When I'm feeling down, feeling a little guilty about my trans-ness, or feeling a little depressed, I think about the following words from Woody Allen's film
Hannah and Her Sisters.
One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe I didn't want to go on living.
I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.
I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself."
Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows."
Then I thought, "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."
I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me.
Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.
My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing: I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.
I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding. I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective.
I went up to the balcony and I sat down. The movie* was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.
And I started to feel: "How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."
And I'm thinking, "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts."
And after, who knows? Maybe there is something.
I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.
* Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers
Janek Traczyk femulates Lana Del Ray on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).
