After 21 years of marriage, he gave me the news. He is finally becoming himself — but I am more lost than ever

I saw a headline recently reporting how proud Bruce Jenner’s mother is of him (her). While that’s both noble and supportive, what I haven’t seen are stories about the private struggle — the husbands, wives and children who suddenly find themselves faced with difficult choices.

I’m here to tell you one.

Read the rest of Diana Matthew’s Salon story here.

Wearing Anthropologie.

The winner of the 2015 Miss Eng’g womanless beauty pageant
(Thank-you, Cheryl for the photo)

Thank you all for your birthday wishes.

When I listened to The Beatles' LP Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in 1967 and heard the tune "When I'm Sixty-Four," I thought that it would certainly take "many years from now" before I reached that age.

But voila!, 48 years went by a lot faster than I anticipated and I found myself blowing out 64 candles on my birthday cake. (In truth, due to the danger of fire, my family decided to play it safe and presented me with only a dozen candles to deal with.)

The perception of being six decades old evolved during those 48 years.

Back in 1967, my grandparents were all spending their sixth seventh decade on the planet Earth. My grandmothers dressed like most of the other women their age, that is, they dressed like old ladies ― fashion-wise, they made no attempt to compete with the younger generations.

Their fashion sense reminded me of a line from the Saturday Night Live advertisement parody for Mom Jeans, "Get her something that says, 'I'm not a woman anymore, I'm a Mom!'"

Things changed and by the time my mother reached her sixth seventh decade in the late 1970s, 60-year-old women were dressing more stylish than their mothers had in their sixth seventh decade... stylish enough that this girl was still borrowing stuff from Mom's wardrobe when her Social Security checks began showing up.

Things kept changing and today, 60 is the new 40. People are living healthier and thus longer lives. Reaching your sixth seventh decade in the 2010s does not have the same connotations as it did in the 1960s.

Again, I recall that  American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) commercial about a woman of a certain age who knows her way around miniskirts and can run in high heels.

Admittedly, not everyone my age fits that description... not even me. I seldom run even in flats, but I typically walk wearing heels, my hemlines seldom gets acquainted with my knees and I plan to dress my "age" (40, not 60) as long possible!

I go, girl!

Wearing Max Mara.

Actor Peter Capaldi in British television’s Prime Suspect 3.

When I attended support group meetings, I always checked out the competition. Who passed? Who failed? Who dressed the best? Who dressed the worst? And most importantly, how did I compare?

And many times, I caught some of the other girls checking me out; they were just doing the same thing I was doing.

Since we were all “men” in dresses to one degree or another, I assumed that checking out the competition was just male competitiveness rearing its testosterone-infused head amongst the ladies.

When I stopped attending support group meetings and got out in the real world, I still checked out the competition, but now the competition were females of the born-female variety. Of course, they all passed (LOL), but who dressed the best? Who dressed the worst?  And how did I compare , which was even more important outside the support group arena because now the competition had the advantage of being out in the real world as females 24/7 for all their lives.

And just like the support group arena, I caught the real world girls checking me out, but more so than the fellows in frocks.

Stop the presses! I was wrong in assuming that checking out the competition was a only guy thing.

Gals do it, too, and they do it all the time. Whenever they encounter another gal, they check her out because every other gal has the potential to compete with them when it comes to catching and/or keeping a man or woman. 

By the way, when I pretend to be a guy, I never check out other guys because as a gal, I am not competing with them and since I am spoken for, I have no interest in them. Rather, I check out the gals to see how they look and if I like their look, I consider how I would look in their look. And if I believe I would look good, I think about how I can put that look together for myself.

Wearing Catherine Malandrino.

Actor Colin Baker.

Top left is what I always thought I should look like, even though none of my sisters look this way. Top right is what I looked like now. My own hair as I have never used a wig. You can see the gray starting. I still hope that one day I'll look like the girl on the top left, but alas, I'm afraid that truth will elude me.

Below left is me about age 17, on the right, about 1982, age 36.

My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Laundry by Design Outerwear.

Actor Alec Guinness in the 1967 British stage play Wise Child.

Photo Anxiety

I received an e-mail from one of the girls who submitted photos for the Favorite Photo feature. She was a little anxious wondering when her photo would appear here.

I am posting the photos in the order I received them. There are currently 13 girls in queue. This year on average I have posted 2.3 photos per week. Doing the math… at that rate, if you submitted your favorite photo (and the story behind it) to me today, they would appear here in six weeks.

Numbers

Speaking of doing the math, there is a difference of opinion on the number of hits this blog has taken. StatCounter's "page loads" counter (displayed near the bottom of this blog's sidebar) is in the neighborhood of 9.9 million hits, while Google's "pageview" counter is in the neighborhood of 10.1 million. Go figure!

Google statistics indicate that most of the hits come from the USA, followed by the UK, Canada, Germany, India, Australia, France, Spain, Sweden and Russia. I'm a little surprised to see Germany in the midst of the English-speaking countries.

I was very surprised that Android was the second most popular operating system used to read this blog. Windows was first and Macintosh was third, followed by iPhone, iPad and Linux.

Being True toMyself

Back to the main topic of this blog, this girl will be femulating on the UCONN campus a week from today attending and presenting at the True Color Conference. "True Colors is a non-profit organization that works with other social service agencies, schools, organizations, and within communities to ensure that the needs of sexual and gender minority youth are both recognized and competently met." "Crossdressing Successfully in the Real World" is the title of my 75-minute presentation. Its purpose is to teach and encourage male-to-female crossdressers to escape from fantasyland and experience the real world as females. Last year, I was thrilled that my presentation attracted 40 middle school, high school, and college students as well as a handful of adults (parents and educators). There were a lot of good questions and exchanges; I noticed some people taking notes and most of the post-presentation evaluations rated me Above Average or Excellent. I hope it goes as well next week.

Wearing Tart.

James Ross, professional femulator.

Hi Stana, After seeing all the lovely girls sharing their pictures with you, I finally made my mind up to send you mine and really bring the average down. This one was taken at my birthday party a few years ago by my wonderful wife. I was at a weight I was finally happy with (which I've sadly failed to maintain) and was just waiting for all my friends to arrive. I am so lucky to have not only a wonderful wife (and son) who fully accept and support me as Ellen, but also amazing friends who are just as supportive. It is at times like these ― surrounded by family and friends while feeling pretty and feminine ― that I know how truly lucky I am. Ellen My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Vince dress, Fendi tote and Saint Laurent pumps.

Cecil Beaton

At least once a day, I check Pinterest to see what's new on the boards I am following. Most of the boards that I follow are transgender-related; the others are fashion-related.

Some of the images on the transgender boards are too good to be true, that is, they purport to represent femulators, but the femulations are so perfect that it makes me wonder. Tiny waists and/or huge cleavage usually alerts my not-trans radar.

My favorite transgender boards are those that show femulators out and about in the real world amongst civilians. Diane Demoiselle's Real World Gurls board is my favorite in this category. Although most of the images on Diane's board show femulators posing at home or in a hotel room, there are images peppered throughout her board like the one accompanying this post showing transwomen really out of the shadow of the closet and being female in our society.

If you are Pinteresting, are you aware of any other boards that concentrate on femulators who are out and about?

And while we’re at it, what are your favorite transgender-related boards?

Please share and share alike.

Wearing Light in the Box.

Actor Lou Diamond Phillips in 2003 film Hollywood Homocide (see her in motion here).
(Thank you, Cheryl)

"The Young Marines is a youth program in the United States and Japan open to children from the ages of 8 years old through the completion of high school, or their eighteenth birthday." (Source: Wikipedia)

The organization was founded in 1959 in my hometown. In fact, the founding organization had its meetings in my grammar school, a block from my home.

My Dad was in the Marine Corps during World War II and as a result, he knew some of the local Marines who were founders of the Young Marines. I don't recall if he approached his Marine buddies about me joining the Young Marines or if his Marine buddies recruited me.

In either case, I was a Young Marine for a year or two and it was a very bad fit. I never graduated through the ranks, was denied some of the group's privileges and suffered psychological abuse from some of the adults running the organization.

I never mentioned these issues to my parents because I assumed that I was at fault ― that I was a bad Young Marine and deserved the treatment I received. I eventually stopped going to meetings and my parents never reacted to my being AWOL.

In retrospect, I believe that I assumed correctly, that is, I was at fault ― not because I was a bad Young Marine, but because I was a feminine Young Marine. The adults running the organization probably thought I was gay, so they did their best to make me feel so uncomfortable that I would quit. And they succeeded.

The Girl Scouts would have probably been a better fit for me, but back then, they didn’t want me either.

Wearing Tibi top, Piamita trousers, Dannijo earrings,
Jennifer Behr headband and Giuseppe Zanotti pumps.

Paolo Ballesteros, femulating and masculating.

This winter has been unusually cold and snowy in my neck of the woods. The radio weather man mentioned that the average temperature for March so far is 4 degrees below normal. Meanwhile, my yard is still completely covered with snow ranging from 1 to 5 feet in depth.

The National Weather Service forecast for Friday, the first day of spring is "A chance of rain and snow. Partly sunny, with a high near 42. Chance of precipitation is 30%."

I am so accustomed to the lousy weather this winter that I am resigned to Friday's forecast. I would just sigh and shrug my shoulders except that on Friday I will be attending the True Colors Conference on the UCONN campus.

Despite my all-wheel-drive Subaru, I don't like driving in the snow and avoid it if at all possible. The 47-mile drive to Storrs is about an hour long. Most of it is via Interstate 84 except for the last 7 miles, which is up and down hill and dale on a two-lane state road. I am not looking forward to that drive if the snowy side of the forecast pans out.

Last year, "The forecast was for a pleasant day… sunny and temperatures around 50 degrees. I figured my new trench coat would be adequate, however, when we arrived at UCONN, it was more like Yukon. The wind was blowing hard and I can’t recall ever feeling so cold walking the quarter-mile from the parking lot to the Student Union. My guess is that the wind chill was well below freezing."

This year, I am taking no chances and will wear either my short fake fur jacket or long fake fur coat.

And maybe the forecast will be wrong as it was last year, but in a positive way. I hope so.

Wearing Brahmin.

Terri Fox, professional femulator.

By Paula Gaikowski

Reading Stana recollections about the growing up transgender and being part of the Young Marines brought back some memories of my own childhood.

Oh yes, abusive coaches and youth leaders. As baby boomers growing up, we all experienced some pretty bizarre and offensive behavior from our teachers, coaches and youth leaders. Standards and expected norms were to say the least, different back then.

I was tall and in gym class, I was expected to be a good basketball player. Not being very comfortable in the competitive male environment, I didn’t excel.

One amongst many humiliating experiences was when the coach put me in front of the gym class and had me do a lay-up. I failed terribly and he then screamed out, “Look at the fish!” For the rest of middle school, he called me “fish. Another coach liked to call me “banana.”

Looking back, I just can’t comprehend the thought process in an adult teacher’s mind to pick one of the weakest and vulnerable children in your care and then torment and humiliate them? Even with times being different, I still say that’s one sick bastard! Even a few years later, when I went through military boot camp, the taunts and heckling were less vicious and done to encourage effort.

“Gee whiz, I wonder why I never liked sports?”

At the same time, I was struggling with gender identity issues. I started crossdressing at 8-years-old and by middle school, I was dressing secretly several days a week. In retrospect, I am startled by the harshness of the situation. Here I was a young, impressionable person trying to come of age and instead of support, I was being harassed.

I remember just feeling bad about myself. I thought, because I was such a bad athlete and didn’t fit in that I deserved to be called that name. I never thought to tell my parents or other school officials because I didn’t want my Dad to be disappointed in me and I thought the school officials had the same opinion of me. I was after all a “banana.” I was a banana who was also secretly a sissy and a fag. Talk about developing low self-esteem. I felt like a girl and was trying to fit in, and trying to fit in with the boys, but received nothing but mistreatment when I tried.

So would start the cycle of shame, guilt and anxiety that would propel the different stages of my life. Doing always what was expected of me at that point of my life and inside, feeling compromised.

In 2009, I was emerging from the darkness of yet another purge. But as any transgender person knows, purging doesn’t work. My need for feminine expression had returned with a vengeance. I had tried to solve the problem by myself for 50 years. I tried reading all the books and websites, wrote countless e-mails to peers and posted on all the forums.

Finding an objective and informed person to discuss, share and solve your issues with was a key ingredient in my journey. In my case this was a therapist. I’ve grown a lot over the last few years. I no longer see being transgender as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realize that I am a good person, and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side.

It dawned on me one day and I wrote this statement a manifesto of self-acceptance: I am 50-years-old. I am hard-working and have a successful career. I am financially successful. I am a dedicated spouse and parent. I give back to my community and I am active in my church. I strive to be caring, kind and thoughtful. I don’t drink or abuse drugs. I am honest and trustworthy. This is a part of my personality that has caused me shame and anxiety for years. There are medical and biological reasons for this. It doesn’t make me an awful person, it means I’m different. I won’t feel bad about myself anymore.

Oh yeah, one more thing.

“Coach, my self-worth is not determined by how well I play basketball nor is it determined by you.”

Wearing Le Redoute.

Fred Armisen in television’s Portlandia (2014).

How appropriate that Murphy's Law struck on St. Patrick's Day!

That's the day I noticed my allergies were worse than usual. Those "allergies" evolved into the worst head cold I've had in some time and as the week progressed, I felt worse and worse.

Thursday morning, I concluded that I would be in no condition to make my presentation at the True Color Conference today, so I contacted the folks running the Conference to let them know that I would be a no-show.

The same thing happened five years ago. The day before the Conference, I was downed with stomach virus and had to cancel.

C'est la vie

Aunty Marlena informed me about another film from France that deals with our kind.

Une Nouvelle Amie (The New Girlfriend) is according to Rotten Tomatoes, about a young woman named Claire, "whose closest friend since childhood, Lea, passes away leaving behind a husband, David and a newborn baby. One day she drops by David's house unexpectedly, and finds him dressed in his dead wife's clothes and feeding their baby with a bottle. He explains that Lea was well aware of his predilection, and eventually, so relieved that he has someone to share his secret with, David and Claire create a female persona for him named Virginia. As David begins to identify more strongly as Virginia, this leads to confusing and conflicting feelings in Claire, and causes a rift between Claire and her husband."

The reviews on Rotten Tomatoes were mixed. Nevertheless, I captured an image from the film and it appears in the Femulator slot below.

While I was nursing my cold, a blog comment about womanless events called to mind a memory that I had long forgotten.

In my pre-teen years, my father went Christmas shopping on "Men's Night," which was a night set aside by the stores downtown for the guys to go shopping for their gals. In order to make the guys feel more comfortable shopping for gal stuff, the stores were all staffed by guys. Any saleswomen who normally staffed those stores stayed home that night and guys (I assume the store managers)  took the saleswomen's place.

I remember my mother mentioning to me that in at least one of the stores, the salesmen dressed as women on Men's Night.

I was fascinated and asked my mother for details. She didn't have many because my father had relayed that information to her and he left out the details, only that the guys wore dresses and makeup.

So there's another womanless event to add to the growing list of womanless events!

Wearing Dareen Hakim.

Actor Romain Duris in the 2014 French film Une Nouvells Amie (The New Girlfriend).

Here is my all-time best/favorite picture of my Femulate side as Charlotte.

I was born in 1944 so this picture from 1970 was a much younger version of myself. I made the hot pants. This was a few years before I met my wife of 40 years, who was introduced to Charlotte on our third date. She has been a true soul mate and fully supported my female side, but Charlotte has always been secondary in out life. We both admit to being bi-sexual.

I have to wonder how different my life would have been if Charlotte found a strong, mature, dominant male master, when she looked like that. I know I felt I could have become Charlotte full-time and become the submissive slave to such a master. Oh how different that life would have been! No complaints at all, however, to how this life has worked out.

Wearing ABS by Allen Schwartz.

Actor Matt Palazzolo in the 2010 film You Should See My Son.

Birdman

Femulate Her

Man loses job. Frustrated trying to find another job, he disguises himself as a woman and lands a job. In this case, the job lost and found is that of an airline pilot. (I would have preferred airline steward-to-stewardess, but that's just my fantasy!) This is the plot of a 2012 Swedish film titled Cockpit, which flew under my radar until I came across the trailer for the film on YouTube. Actor Jonas Karlsson’s femulation is presentable, at least in the trailer and handful of still images I’ve seen.

Wearing Ann Taylor.

Actor Jonas Karlsson in the 2012 Swedish film, Cockpit.

An e-mail from Patty alerted me to yet another trans-related film; this time a new television movie from Germany titled Mein Sohn Helen (My Son Helen). It is the story of a young man played by Jannik Schümann, who spends a year in San Francisco with his aunt where he  fulfills his feelings that he is really female. When he returns home to Germany, his father picks him up at the airport and discovers that his son is now his daughter named Helen and lots of stuff happens.

Schümann's femulation looks convincing from the photos I have found online. Sadly, I doubt that this film will make it stateside for us American girls to see.  

By the way, the title of this television movie reminds me of the title of a popular trans book from the early 21st Century, My Husband Betty, which happened to be written by my blogging friend Helen Boyd.

Wearing Wyatt.

Actor Jannik Schümann in the 2015 German tv movie Mein Sohn Helen (My Son Helen).

Today's Throwback Thursday goes back nearly 20 years when I started doing trans art and posting my creations on my old blog nFem (anybody remember nFem?).

I originally created this Playtex ad parody in black and white because (1) the copy of the original ad that I had to work with was in black and white and (2) even if I had a full-color version of the ad, my Photoshop skills back then were not good enough to create a reasonable facsimile of a real ad.

Recently, I found the full-color version of the ad and now that my Photoshop skills have improved, I decided to reboot the Playtex ad parody that I created before the turn of the century. I hope you enjoy it.

By the way, the original ad was not a Playtex ad; rather it was an ad for Sears bras and girdles (Sears had everything).

Wearing Ann Taylor.

Womanless beauty pageant winner, circa 1960.

Monica wrote, “I am trying to write a blog/essay on how being transgender is a gift and not a curse. The massive suicide rate amongst transgender people compared to the rest of the population suggests that being transgender is seen as a curse by transgender people... and by non-transgender people alike (hence the lack of support from the family and friends of transgender people).

“If we can focus on the positive side of being transgender and see the unique gifts that we have, then maybe we can help swing the general public's view of us as being a bunch of perverts to being truly gifted people. We can only win over the general population one person at a time. It is an arduous process and each of us must put in some time in the trenches to help change things. This is my attempt!

“So, what do you see as the gift(s) of being transgender? What unique perspective and irreplaceable view of life do we have? Just saying in the words of the Joni Mitchell song, ‘I look at life from both sides now’ is a bit vague and non-specific. We need more details to convince people.

“Would love to hear your views!”

Leave your responses as Comments (below) or e-mail Monica: monica.mulholland at gmail.com

Wearing BHLDN.

Actor Eddie Redmayne in the upcoming film The Danish Girl.

Hi Stana,

I would like to be in your page Femulate. These are my pics.

Thank you and Kisses from Spain!

Patri Sánchez Monroe

My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Single Woman.

Chris