Episode 24
“THE BOYS GET DRESSED”
Act 1
FADE IN
Ricardo living room
RICKY sits reading a fashion magazine. There is a knock at the door. RICKY puts down the magazine, stands up, and approaches the hallway door.
RICKYWho is it?
FREDIt’s Fred.
RICKY opens the door and FRED walks in with his hands in his pockets.
FREDWhat are you doing?
RICKYI was so bored that I was reading one of Lucy’s fashion magazines.
FREDI’m bored, too.
RICKYI miss Lucy.
FREDI can top that. (pause) I miss Ethel!
RICKYWell, the girls are going to be visiting Lucy’s mother until tomorrow. How are we going to keep busy until then?
FREDI don’t know. Do you have any ideas?
RICKY’s eyes light up.
RICKYLucy’s fashion magazine gave me an idea!
FRED is aroused and starts rubbing his hands in anticipation.
FREDWhat do you have in mind, pal?
RICKY picks up the fashion magazine, opens it, and shows it to FRED.
RICKYLook at all these models dressed in beautiful clothes.
FRED(excited) You think we can land dates with a couple of models?
RICKYNo! That’s not what I had in mind.
FRED(mildly annoyed) Well, what do you have in mind?
RICKYWouldn’t you like to dress up in beautiful clothes like those models?
FREDYou bet I would!
RICKYWell, tonight I am going to dress up in Lucy’s clothes and go out on the town. Are you with me, Frieda?
FRED(effeminately) That sounds dreamy, Raquel!
RICKYOK! I’ll make an appointment at Lucy’s beauty salon for the two of us. We’ll get the works done.
FREDThat sounds great!
RICKYI’ll call the salon now.
RICKY walks to the telephone table, picks up the telephone directory, thumbs through its pages, and finds what he is looking for.
RICKYHere it is.
RICKY dials the telephone.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for someone to answer his call.)
RICKYHello, is this Florence’s Beauty World?
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKYThis is Mr. Ricardo. Mr. Mertz and I are planning to go out on the town tonight dressed as women and we want the works.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKYYes, that’s right. We want our hair and nails and makeup done.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKYOK… and do you do waxing?
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKYThat’s wonderful. We each want full body waxing.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKYOK. We’ll see you later.
RICKY hangs up the telephone.
RICKYWe have appointments at 2 O’clock.
FREDGreat! What are you going to wear tonight, Rick?
RICKYI’ve been dying to try on Lucy’s green evening gown… the low cut one with the slit up the side.
FREDThat sounds hot!
RICKYWhat are you going to wear, Fred?
FREDWell, I love Ethel’s pink chiffon cocktail dress.
RICKY(effeminately) That sounds darling.
FRED(effeminately) I think so, too.
RICKYWell, I’ll meet you later. Then, we can walk to the salon for our appointments.
FREDSee you then.
RICKY picks up the fashion magazine, opens it, and begins admiring its pages.
FADE OUT
Act 2
FADE IN
Ricardo living room
The room is empty. There is a knock at the door.
RICKYWho is it?
FRED(effeminately) It’s Frieda.
RICKY(effeminately) I’ll be there in a second, Frieda.
RICKY enters stage left in full drag, walks to the hallway door, and opens it. FRED enters the living room in full drag.
FREDHow do I look?
RICKYYou look better in that dress than Ethel’s does!
FREDThis girdle is killing me, though.
RICKY(effeminately) That’s a sacrifice us girls must make to look beautiful.
FREDI guess.
RICKYHow do I look?
RICKY sashays around the sofa with his hips swinging suggestively.
FREDYou look fantastic!
RICKYThank-you… and get a load of these?
RICKY bends over to show off his breasts and cleavage.
FREDHow did you manage that?
RICKYI taped my breasts together. Don’t they look real?
FREDThey sure do! Can I fondle them?
RICKYMaybe later.
The telephone rings. RICKY sashays to the telephone and picks up the receiver.
RICKYHello.
Cut to MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL(nervously) Hello, Mr. Ricardo. This is Mrs. Trumbull.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKYHello, Mrs. Trumbull. What can I do for you?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL(nervously) Well, I don’t mean to be a bother, but a few minutes ago, I saw a strange woman walking through the halls and she was headed toward your apartment.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY breaks out in laughter.
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL(annoyed) What’s so funny Mr. Ricardo?
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY(amused) That strange woman was Mr. Mertz. He and I are dressed up as women.
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL(amused) Oh, that explains it! I was so worried.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKYThere’s nothing to worry about!
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULLDo you need any help?
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKYWhat do you mean?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULLWell, I’m an expert at dressing up men like women. As you may remember, when Mr. Trumbull was alive, I made him dress as a woman and I also made a lovely woman out of my son.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKYHow could I forget your husband, Mary-Ann, and your son, Mary-Ann Junior?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULLWell, I’m here if you need me.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKYThank-you, Mrs. Trumbull. Good-bye. (pause) What a nice neighbor!
FREDYes, she’s a doll.
There is a knock at the door.
RICKYNow, who can that be?
RICKY sashays to the door, opens it, and LUCY and ETHEL walk in.
RICKY(shocked) Lucy, you’re not supposed to be home until tomorrow!
LUCY(angrily) Never mind that, buster. What’s been going on here while we were away?
RICKY(sheepishly) I can explain.
LUCY(sarcastically) This ought to be good!
RICKY(sheepishly) Well, you see, honey. Fred and I had nothing to do tonight, so we decided to get dressed up like women and go out on the town.
ETHEL(angrily) What do you have to say for yourself, Fred?
FRED(sheepishly) Raquel… I mean, Ricky’s telling the truth, honeybunch.
LUCY(sarcastically) What do you make of these two girls?
ETHEL(amused) Actually, I think they look pretty good!
LUCY(amused) I do, too. Why don’t you and I get dolled up too, then the four of us can have a girls' night out?
ETHELWhat a wonderful idea, Lucy! Come on, Fred, you can help me pick out something to wear.
FREDOK, honeybunch.
FRED and ETHEL leave the apartment and LUCY stands with her hands on her hips giving RICKY the once over.
RICKYWhat’s the matter, Lucy?
LUCYYou look gorgeous, honey, but…
RICKYBut, what?
LUCYI don’t like you wearing my clothes.
RICKYI’m sorry, dear.
LUCYNext, time you get dressed up in women’s clothes, they better be your own.
RICKYBut, I don’t own any women’s clothes.
LUCYWell, we can fix that. Tomorrow we can go on a shopping spree and buy all the women’s clothes that you will need.
RICKYReally!
LUCYYes, really. I don’t want people saying that my husband wears my hand-me-downs.
RICKYOh, honey, that’s a dream come true.
RICKY runs to LUCY and embraces her. While embraced, LUCY looks at the audience and gives the audience a knowing wink.
FADE OUT
 |
| I absolutely love this dress that Doris Day wore in the 1961 film Lover Come Back. |
 |
| Doris Day discovers a femulating Paul Lynde powdering his nose in the 1966 film The Glass Bottom Boat. |